It was a Thursday evening. There was nothing to make it spectacular or stand out from the so many other “days before Friday.” Ezekiel and I were engaged in our usual banter of challenging each other until one of us backs down and the other claims dominance. Ezekiel had quickly become my best guy friend and it seemed like it happened overnight and seamlessly. We had been thick as thieves for about a year. He was leaving to return to Florida and instead of telling him I would miss him, I was giving him hell. We were chatting on AOL instant messenger—yeah, it was that long ago—and I still remember it better than some things I did yesterday.
cityboyZeke407: c how u treat me??? once I move ill prolly never c u again
QueenDesi08: lik i aint gonna tak my ass 2 kissimmee once it crosses dat ga/fla border
cityboyZeke407: u ain’t
QueenDesi08: y u say dat
cityboyZeke407: kuz u scurd
QueenDesi08: of WAT
cityboyZeke407: fallin in luv wita fla boi
I stared at my computer that night for at least three minutes after he sent that. Despite how bold or feisty he thought me to be, he shocked the hell out of me. At the time, he was the only “fla boi” in my life. He was from Kissimmee, Florida, a suburb right outside Orlando. I had actually been there several times before I met him. He was calling me out, which was usual; however, he had never said anything about love. Never. As much as we flirted and danced close to the line between lovers and friends, we had never talked about feelings.
But what shocked me wasn’t him calling me out. I was shocked because he was right. Almost a month before this instant messenger conversation, another friend tried to tell me that I was falling for Ezekiel. I didn’t believe it then. Then my friend had the nerve to suggest that he was falling for me too. Now that I couldn’t even fathom! I mean, he was amazing and I was, well, just regular. But it was like she planted a seed and it continued to grow without anyone’s permission. Next thing I know, I had admitted to myself that I did, in fact, have feelings for Ezekiel. I didn’t say a mumbling word and there he was telling me I was scared to fall in love with him. Hell yeah I was! I was terrified that I would be falling by myself. So, I asked him.
QueenDesi08: Ezekiel Idris Scott…
QueenDesi08: …..r u falling in love wit me?
QueenDesi08: Cuz im falling in love wit u n i wouldnt be so cautious if i would kno da truth
cityboyZeke407: yea…I guilty too
There it was. All out in the open. We were falling for each other…and he was leaving. That conversation changed us forever, well, at least it changed me. From that moment on, he held my heart. And I truly believe that if he didn’t move back to Florida, we would probably be married by now. Well, maybe not married, but definitely together. Instead, I’ve only dreamed about touching, kissing, and sexing him. Years later, he still has my heart and we haven’t done anything more than hug. And I still love him. I love him more than I did back then. And he still loves me. It’s everything in between that’s complicated.
People don’t believe me when I tell them. It’s been three years since Ezekiel stepped into my life and two years since we admitted that we were falling in love with each other but nothing has changed. Saying those fateful words only changed us internally. We still have not pushed passed the friend zone physically. And at this point, I can’t tell if that made things better or worse.